Exclusive Interview with Donald Trump
‘Good morning, Mr President. It was good of you to take the time to talk with ABCBSSBS.’
‘You are a wonderful organisation, everyone says so, maybe the most wonderful in the World – ever.’
‘I wanted to ask you about the war in Ukraine. Any progress in ending it?’
‘I am sending little Marco over with a proposal. We make Ukraine the 52nd or 53rd state, and the Ukrainians move out. Maybe we move them to Israel.’
‘But you only have 50 States. Where are the other States?’
‘Canada, Maybe Gaza, but some spoilers are trying to ruin that deal. Those Arabs know nothing about money. My close and personal friend Netanyahu says MAGA should be ‘Make Arabs Go Away’. Looks like trade sanctions again. Put a 50% tariff on OPEC oil, and let’s see what they do.’
‘But won’t that drive up prices in the US ……. Forget it.’
‘What is the attraction of the Ukraine?’
‘I am told they have some mountains and snow. We can turn it into the Aspen of Europe. With Elon’s rocket ships, you can ski in Vale or Aspen in the morning, then catch a rocket and ski in the Ukraine in the afternoon. It will appeal to the masses.’
‘Moving on, what if you can’t get Gaza? How will you end the war then?’
‘We have a Plan B, and I want you to be the first to learn about it. It is a beautiful plan, the most beautiful plan. Only a genius could have come up with it. We make Israel the 51st State. Hamas would never attack the US, so they would have to stop the war. In any case, if someone objects in Israel, what would they do? Storm the Capitol Building?’
‘Have you run this past Netanyahu?’
‘Why? It is a beautiful plan, probably the most creative idea ever. Netanyahu will love it. Instead of getting voted out at the next election, I will appoint him State Governor for life.’
‘What if the Israeli military don’t like it and resist?’
‘Who sells them rockets, and bullets, and computer systems? We just pull the plug, and they won’t have anything to shoot at us. All their defence systems will stop working. I just call whoever I appointed to the CIA and say shut them down like they are someone who owes Trump Corporation fifty cents.’
‘As you know, we are interested in our relationship with the US. There is AUKUS.’
‘There is what? AUKUS? Is that some kind of lefty aid agency? I thought Elon shut them all down.’
‘AUKUS is the treaty where we jointly develop a submarine and rent a few from you while we’re building it?’
‘Oh, now I remember. You pay us lots of money, and we give you a few old subs, and then you spend a lot of money to help us design a sub for the USA. Great deal. Maybe you can build it for us, too, for free. If you do, I won’t put a 99% tariff on goods from Austria.’
‘Think we will pass. You put on the tariffs and see if it hurts us.’
‘We have not heard much from you about hospitals and the cost of medicine. Anything planned in that area?’
‘Sure is. Fentanyl. The DEA has warehouses full of it. Everybody will be treated with Fentanyl and sent home. Not only that, DEA sells it to the hospitals. Kills two stones with the one bird.’
‘But you negotiated with Mexico to cut Fentanyl smuggling.’
‘Oh shit. I did. At least, I was advised to. Somebody will have to take the fall; I am not doing it. Might have to talk to the other Don. The one that runs the Mafia in the USA. He regularly stays at Mar a Lago. Get an exclusive contract or something. Maybe we can just take over the drug trade. Who knows?’
‘Changing the subject, how is the golf going? Must be less time now you are President.’
‘I wanted to hit a few balls during the halftime at the Super Bowl. I thought it would give the audience a buzz seeing me instead of someone like Taylor Swift. I forgot my clubs, so I had another great idea, the greatest idea, an idea so stupendous only I could have come up with it.
‘I am going to have the Super Bowl of golf. Invite all the world leaders to a round of mini golf in the Super Bowl and have a television audience of billions—at least fifty billion viewers. Maybe a trillion. I have the CIA build the course with all their latest guidance technology, and guess who will win? Me!’
‘Who do you think should come second? I was thinking of Greg Norman, but Elon is getting shitty about it. He wants three rounds and wants to win one. As if…’
‘Maybe you can help me out with some information about your country.’
‘Certainly, Mr President.’
‘Your Prime Minister, Elbow-Kneesey, isn’t it? Since he wants us to provide a bunch of subs, what about we do a package deal and provide all your defences? Army, Navy and Air Force. You pay us, and we provide the whole thing.
‘I am having our Army move into the labour-hire business. The press calls it immigration detention, but what an opportunity it presents having all those people in camps just for me to use. We’ll find all these people to hire out to you as soldiers, sailors and airmen. Women and children, too. As many as you want. We can come up with a few million, and if we run short, we open the border for a while and get more.
‘It will be really useful if you get into a war where they speak Spanish. In fact, we might need you to fight alongside us when the war with Mexico breaks out. Do you think Elbow-Kneesey will go for it?’
‘Probably not, but we have an opposition leader who might find it attractive. He is saying he will cut government costs, and this will be all off the books.’
‘Leave me his name before you leave. One of Elon’s kids in DOGE will give him a call.’
‘Any final thoughts before we wind this up?’
‘People say I have a tremendous brain, the most tremendous brain; probably the most tremendous brain there ever was. Even more tremendous than Einstein. No, I can’t think of anything else.’
‘Thank you for your time, Mr President. Don’t forget, sanctions on Austria.’